The funny thing is that at first, all I wanted to do was remember. I thought it would make me "get over it" faster and make it all go away. Then, I didn't want to remember because I realized how bad those images could be. Some have said I may never get it back, while others have said, all or some will at some point. Well, I've reached that point. I still don't remember everything, but what I do is enough. I think my brain and my body need a break. I'm finding myself frustrated and impatient, both with myself and others. I'm feeling completely disconnected again from people around me and finding it difficult to engage in small talk as i'm trying to catch my breathe. I know this will get better, but it is certainly taking longer this time.
I have a plane ride Monday that I'm pretty anxious about, but have prepared myself with things to help get through it; vials of aromatherapy scents, my ipod for music, a journal to write, breathing exercises, and a few other things. My hope is that my love of flying is still there and that will overtake the nervousness of being alone in an enclosed space surrounded by strangers. My hope is also that, if I'm away from here, I will feel some relief. We shall see.
I'm feeling the overwhelming frustration this week of wanting to be "me" again. I don't feel like myself. I found a picture taken at a concert with friends on April 13, just 40ish hours before the moment that changed things. A big part of me wishes I could just go back to that moment. I know I can't. I just want to find myself again. I know it may be an altered version, but I'll take that over this.
I'm facing another busy weekend of work, but also going out with friends tonight and to a concert with family tomorrow. I want to do anything I can to enjoy life and hope that the distraction will make the pain and tightness in my chest ease up. I'm exhausted from it and although i'm reminded constantly that this is a process and it takes time, I sometimes find it hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel. But, I know it's there. I just have to keep pushing forward.
In my next post, I will be sharing the project I have been wanting to do for 6 months. It is finally coming to fruition (there's even a website already up!) and I'm hoping it will be powerful and healing for everyone. Stay tuned.
Thank you for reading,