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Survivor's guilt and taking control.

11/23/2015

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Today at the gym, CNN was on in front of me. For the last 10 days, I have avoided the news more than I do usually (all the time). Not that I don't get news at all, but I never watch it on TV. I have avoided all news online of the attacks themselves and have only read things concerning what's happening now. I didn't even want to put myself in a place to see the horrible things that happened that night and the days following. I don't need to. To an extent, I know it all too well already. 

The CNN reporter was interviewing people visiting a makeshift memorial in Paris. I immediately felt emotion fill my chest, rise to my throat and tears form behind my eyes. I paid attention to the faces they were showing of people visiting, paying their respects. I remember those same faces at Copley Square 2.5 years ago. Of course, not the same faces, but the emotion. The first few times I went to the memorial (I used to go every single day, determined to have it get easier each time.), I didn't look at anyone. I was numb, living in this sort of surreal out of body place at times. But, then I started to look at people. Some look stoic, some looked lost and others cried. Those same faces were on the TV today. Those faces that were feeling so much at once.
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I then turned my attention to the closed captioning. They were interviewing a woman who had been at a nearby cafe when the attacks happened. She broke down and said she felt guilty to be alive. I felt a huge wave of emotion hit me and pushed it away, determined to keep it together while in public. Survivor's guilt is an awful feeling. To know you lived and are "okay" when others around you died or were badly hurt is a burden to bear. This woman is not alone in that and I hope she is able to connect with others and to work through those feelings and thoughts. The fact is that there is, of course, no reason to feel guilty, but it's there and it's very real. That wave of emotion hit me, as it does with some of these things, because I can literally feel in that moment the same way I felt back then. It all comes rushing back as if it were happening now. The good thing about when it comes now is that I have control over it. Before, it would take over, my anxiety would increase to the point of no return and the emotion would last. Now, I can pull myself back to a feeling of calm and peace, though I sometimes let the emotion wash over me as I think it needs to every so often. Balance. I realized, as I thought about it more throughout the day, that I am not sure I ever let go of that feeling of guilt. For all I've worked through, for all I logically know about why I shouldn't feel guilty, I still have that feeling somewhere inside that comes up every so often; when I catch a glimpse of one of my friend's scars, when I am with a friend who lost a leg, when I think of those who lost their lives. But, as much as that feeling still lingers inside of me, I make sure to live each day honoring those who died and those who were hurt. I think of them, I involve myself in positive things, positive projects and do what I can to give to others. But, still, it lingers. 
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I was happy with myself this last week. I didn't get triggered by the events unfolding or the reaction to it. I didn't get waves of anxiety, I didn't react negatively to social media. I would normally just try to avoid it all, but I was in a car for 9 hours last Sunday and homebound without a car for two days last week, so I ended up actually going far through my newsfeed for the first time in a long time. I saw a lot of anger and hate. Before, that would have upped my anxiety. This time, it made me sad, but not in a way that had me crying. It made me sad to know there's so much anger out there and inside of people and it made me want to share positive things. It made me focus on those that were sharing positive messages. It made me even more determined not to give into that emotion, or to let myself have any anger or fear. I even calmly managed an attempt to upset me.

While agreeing with a friend on someone's FB post that these times can be a reminder to look into ourselves and find our own peace and how that can affect the greater good, someone started to get argumentative and accused us of talking about sitting down with terrorists to talk about peace (uh, not even close to what we said). I simply just said what I had to say, reiterating that I never said such a thing. In the conversation, she then said, "Well, you should just be grateful you weren't hurt (in the bombing)". Well then. That statement was definitely made to get a rise out of me. Why would anyone say it if that wasn't the case? I wasn't getting mad or changing my stance and sometimes, people decide to hit below the belt. Two years ago or even one year ago, that would have deeply affected me. (Remember above, survivor's guilt?) But, I actually laughed a bit. I responded the way I felt. I told her that the statement is offensive to those with invisible injuries, and even those injured would be offended (they were) but that it didn't bother me. I said I knew she couldn't understand and wouldn't want her to because no one should have to go through that. There was one more dig at me and then, I gave short response, I wished her the best and said I wouldn't engage anymore, even stopping all notifications from that thread. 

That short conversation reminded me that people just don't understand. They don't understand what those people are going through even if they want to try. They don't understand my words about finding peace in yourself because they haven't experienced it (I hope everyone does at some point). They don't understand all of the complex issues around terrorism, refugees, or any other of the issues that are surfacing due to the recent attacks. None of us can. But, I continue to read about them. I have been for years. After the bombings, I avoided coverage of the bombings themselves for the most part, but I read more and researched other things connected. And, being in a better place, I research and read even more now. I have spent the last week reading opinions, factual articles and official websites to get a full view of the issues at hand. That's why I feel confident in sharing my opinions, especially about these topics. It doesn't come from emotion or a reaction to what happened to me. If it had, I would be more likely to have the opposite opinions of the ones I have. I would live in that fear and have anger toward more people. I would probably be afraid of letting people come in to our country without actually thinking and knowing about the reality and the facts such as the lengthy vetting process refugees go through. I wouldn't feel the peace I do and wouldn't have the control over those many emotions that rise up when these attacks happen.

So, I will continue to have my opinion and I will share it. I know most people don't care about my opinion especially when it doesn't match theirs. I know people won't read what I say in the way it's intended and will read it with their own perspective, beliefs, etc (like that woman assuming I was saying we should sit with Isis and talk about peace...yeah, no).  I know that people read too much into things. I was reminded of this when people had a concern with me posting "too much" this week and wondering if it meant something about being in a bad place. It absolutely did not. In fact, just the opposite. But, I think not caring about other's opinions is awful. I may not agree with people, but I still hear them out, I still read what they have to say. I've had people (not with this topic) that have made me think of other sides to different topics. I think that's great. I also agree to disagree with many. I also have people who privately talk to me about things I post and find it helpful or just agree with it. So, for the rest of the people out there, they don't have to read what I write. I'm not writing for them. I'm writing for me and for those who do get something out of it. So, I will always share my opinion. I used to be that person that never gave her thoughts on anything and stayed quiet. I hated her. She wasn't as strong as the woman I am now. She wasn't as aware or as passionate. She didn't care enough to have strong opinions and was too afraid to share them when she did. I will no longer live in fear of any kind. I will not live with anger or hate in any part of my heart and soul, only love. 

​I could go on and on with all of the topics and thoughts that have been floating around my head, but I'll end here and share more another day. 

XO
​Nicole


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What can we DO?

11/16/2015

 
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Another awful attack. AWFUL. Scratch that. A FEW attacks in just days. And there are attacks happening daily that we barely pay attention to. The truth is, statistically, we live in a safer, healthier world overall, but these high profile attacks and extremist groups are striking increased fear around the world and yes, we should be afraid and outraged at ALL of the violence and loss of innocent lives. But fear and outrage aren't going to DO anything. Fear and outrage leads to more anger, more hate, more war, more people who develop anxiety, more people who isolate themselves from the world and we could go on. I could keep going on this specific subject of war, but I won't.

So, what can we do in response to this specific attack? When I saw everyone changing their pictures, I didn't click the "try it" option. I didn't really think about why, it's just something I didn't do. To me, it wasn't DOING anything concrete. I am not saying there's a problem with it, so don't get all defensive about it. I think we don't know what to do, so we follow this social media trend as a sign of solidarity. I think whatever people want to do to show support, it's a beautiful thing. And for those suffering, it can be good to see the solidarity and support. But, consider also DOING more. And for those who don't filter their picture, it certainly doesn't mean a person isn't supportive. Hell, at the moment I found out what was happening and started to read about it and watch the news, I had all the feelings come back instantly, those feelings that were all too familiar. My heart ached for those people, knowing exactly what they would be feeling and going through. I immediately cried, hard. My chest tightened, a lump grew in my throat. And then, my leg started to bounce. Everyone who knows me or had followed this blog knows my leg shaking was my anxiety and was constant for a year and then, consistent after that until i finally got a hold of the anxiety and stopped it. But, it still appears at times. Friday was one of those times and as it started, I literally looked at it and said, "Oh HELL NO." I am fortunate to have control of it now. I stood up, turned off the news and took control of my energy. My chest eased and my leg stopped. I did that. I have such immense peace now that even the biggest "triggers" don't cause effects that stay long. I spoke with other survivors, as we were all feeling something. They all shared the sentiment, we wish we could really DO something, help these people the way people helped us. I wish I could fly there and talk to people, let them know it's a bit of a road ahead, but that there will be hope again. We are working on a way to help in a  bigger way, but I still am focused on helping right here at home.

​ I also didn't want to change my profile pic to the French colors because it wasn't just in France that innocent people lost their lives. There were hundreds of people who lost their lives within 24 hours, even more were injured, even MORE were not injured but witnessed the horror. And they were spread over three different cities.  If I was going to show support, it would be to everyone, to our world that is falling apart in every corner. So, I chose, instead, to change my picture to me signing the peace wall in Ireland. I also choose to continue making conscious decisions on what I can do, right here, right now in my own life and for those around me. 


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There's something we can all take away from tragedies like this. That is to DO BETTER. In times like this, we want to reach out, our hearts ache for those suffering, we see compassion that we don't see every day. But, what if it was every day? What if we were all kinder, more compassionate and empathic every single day? What if we showed love to everyone we came across? Yes, everyone. When someone looks mean or angry, even a stranger that I walk by on the street, I smile at them and say hello. Sometimes, I just get a scowl back, but mostly, they give a smile back or at least nod, even sometimes looking shocked. A couple of months ago, I spent time with someone considered to be grumpy. It was my first time meeting him, but he was friendly and happy. Apparently, this was a surprise to others. My response was that I don’t let people be grumpy or angry. I don’t feed into those emotions. I smile, I act like a goofball, I am kind even if they aren’t kind back (except with my family, they get a little bit of attitude I mean, you can’t be smiling all the time.).   I did just that and this person was all smiles, laughing at me and then continued to be friendly to me whenever I would come across him. 

I remember after the bombings, all we saw was news reports, angry and outraged FB statuses, "Boston Strong" everywhere. But, we also saw compassion. We saw people literally leaving their running sneakers with messages of hope and faith. Prayers from around the world. LOVE. Then, I remember about two weeks later, I was driving to an appointment. I was in Kenmore Square and quite honestly, was just out of it all of the time, distracted and my mind was going nonstop. I realized I was in the wrong lane and put my blinker on trying to get over, pretty flustered. Car after car drove on without letting me in. Some even beeped or their drivers gave me a dirty look. I instantly thought, "Well, so much for all of the love and compassion people had last week." We rise up with humanity after tragedy, but it always fades away once it's "over" but, as I'll get to in a minute, for those who lived the tragedy, it's not over for a long time, and for some, it may never be "over".


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What can we do specifically for those suffering in Paris right now? Prayer, love and positive thoughts, for one. Most of us have some sort of belief in a higher power or believe in the power of positive energy. We don't have to practice the same religion to believe in the power of prayer. These people need our collective positive prayer and energy. You'd be surprised how powerful that can be and how far it can reach. They will suffer for a long time. When the outrage dies down, once the terrorists who did it have been killed, once the filter on your profile picture has gone away, these people will still be suffering. They will have physical pain and, for an even longer time, some forever, they will have mental and emotional pain. I don't want to be harsh or have this come across in a bad way because I know everyone joins in these things because they truly want to support and have compassion for those affected, but the passive things like filtering your picture doesn't do much to actually help.  I won't say they don't do anything because it will show support. It will help to see the love in that action. But, I can tell you that when our city and our world were shouting "Boston Strong", I, and many others who were directly impacted, came to hate that phrase. It was hashtagged, yelled, written, made into tangible products, and displayed everywhere. These things help those who were not directly impacted more than those who were. It helps you to feel you are connected to it in a  positive way. It helps you feel you're doing something. It helps to have this phrase or image to seemingly symbolize hope. I was interviewed for the Globe's piece on the first anniversary of the bombing. I had been asked to do interviews before and declined. Finally, I wanted those with PTS to get more of a voice and so, I gave in. In that piece and later quoted on a radio show, I said, "In the year of Boston Strong, I've never felt so weak". If anything, that phrase, for a long time, made me feel weaker. 

Again, I'm not saying don't change your profile picture. You do whatever you feel is good for you. (and consider ALL of the people and countries affected by these tragedies). But, I challenge you to DO MORE. Pray, look online at how you can donate to causes helping the survivors of terrorism,  send actual letters of support. At the same time, look inside of yourself and figure out how to be a better YOU. The fact is, we are ALL in this together. We are one world and the only way to heal an entire world is for people to come together. I'll touch upon more of this in my next post, about how our divide and discrimination is actually helping to cause violence and war.  It's hard to see what our world has become; anger, fear, violence. It may sound too simple and it's only part of the bigger picture, but it starts with each of us. Love and peace STARTS within each of us. And, so, in light of such awful things happening, let us spread love and peace to those around us and within ourselves.


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There are so many things we can do every day to DO BETTER.  We can perform random acts of kindness, we can reach out to someone we know who is suffering in any way, we can donate blood, donate our time, have more patience with people. You know how people cut you off in traffic or aren’t paying attention when the light turns green? We immediately get annoyed, even me, a pretty calm driver. But, I never react. I don’t start beeping or yelling. Instead, I stop and remember that I’ve done both of those things before (look at my example above about being distracted). And I’ve done them when I’ve been distracted by something going on in my life. Now, I think, “this person could be a total asshole. OR they may be having a bad day, trying to get to a loved one who needs them, distracted because they have a sick relative, lost their job, or any other reason.” Either way, I don’t need to get angry and affect my own day because of it. I shrug it off and move on. I see many people, in times of tragedy, post the Fred Rogers quote about looking for the helpers.  What if we all became the helpers? No act of kindness or love is too small and it takes nothing away from us. In fact, it GIVES us something.

​These bad things will continue to happen. There have always been and will always be hateful people in the world that can't see the light. We have to have faith that eventually our leaders will truly come together and find a solution, that there will be less war. But in the meantime, let's start to make a kinder, more accepting, loving world in spite of the hate. 

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I'm not a stranger to the act of terrorism. I watched people blown up on Boylston Street. It changed my life instantly. It was the most awful thing I've ever seen and experienced and I hope to never see anything like that again. It didn't make me angry or hateful. It made me sad. It made me worry for humanity. Ultimately, it made me love more. It made me want to DO more for myself, for others. And, in that, I've found a Peace I've never had in my life and I've helped many others in the process. Yes, there needs to be a solution but hate and anger fuels hate and anger. It's a vicious cycle of us killing them, them killing us and so forth. You may think there's a simple answer, but there certainly is not. This is very complex and multi layered issue. I pray for everyone to not give into this fear and hate. In my own experience on April 15, 2013, I've seen what it does and what kind of person it makes...more on that next time. I'll end with an image I took at the 9/11 memorial this weekend and a quote I found that was just perfect. 

"If we learn nothing else from this tragedy, we learn that life is short and there is no time for hate."
​Sandy Dahl, wife of pilot of Flight 93 Jason Dahl.

xo
Nicole

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    Nicole O'Neil

    I am a portrait, event, and travel photographer based in Charlestown, MA. I was at the 2013 Boston Marathon and here to share my experience with PTSD since that day. 

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