I got off the train and walked to the library. The large number of trucks set up in Copley made me feel a little anxious and so did the marathon set up, but I reminded myself all was okay. It helped when I saw my friend Mikey waiting for me. We went into the Dear Boston exhibit. Walking through was emotional but nice. I was reading some messages I had seen before and new ones as well. I cried but then was okay, feeling it a little harder at times and the lump in my throat/tightness in my chest. The exhibit was a reminder of the love shared last year and of the many days I found solace in Copley Square. One phrase stuck out at me. It was, "I was there. I will never be the same." It may sound bad to people and sometimes it does to me. I get frustrated thinking I will never be the same, but there are positives to it. We may never be the same and this experience will stay with us in some way forever. But, we will keep going and hopefully once we get through this next 10 days facing some of the difficult moments and memories, we will be more determined and strong because of it.
I said in my last post that I've never felt more weak than I have this last year, especially recently and last April. That is definitely hard sometimes and I cried about it this morning. However, I know it will pass in time. I just have no patience. I need to hear the words from others. Instead of advice on what I "should" try, i'd rather someone tell me to be patient, that it's fine to feel upset and it will pass. I'd rather someone listen to me vent without having to say anything back. It is what it is. I feel better when I get it out and I don't need anyone to fix it. It will be "fixed" as much as it can be after something like this.
I have definitely been more frustrated lately, but that is normal. Why wouldn't I be frustrated? I watched people blown up. My life was changed literally in one second. I had ups and downs all year and this last two weeks has hit me like a truck. My frustration may not always be rational, but it's my way of coping, of grieving. I haven't gotten really angry at what happened that day. I've been more angry at myself and the lows. Now, I'm feeling it more and it's coming out in frustration toward situations. It's not toward anyone in particular. Yesterday, I was frustrated with the media. Of course I was. I have recently had many survivors tell me they have been told by media that they don't want "smaller" injuries for their stories. They are not sellable.
Then the SI shoot. I wasn't mad at it happening, I was mad at the way it was portrayed at first to what it became. If it was presented that way from the beginning, I would have been fine with it. I went back and forth all day yesterday about it, talked to others. Some were going to show they could, show they could handle the crowd, do it for themselves. Others were not going for the same reasons I wasn't sure I wanted to. As one person pointed out, it was different from the original message they sent us and that was disappointing but it was what it was and it could be for the people that showed up. He then said the Globe shoot was so beautiful to be together and that he didn't need to go today. He would just be happy to have been a part of the Globe. I realized in that moment that is really how I felt. I wasn't angry about the shoot itself. I was angry about the media in general and my own frustration with fearing being in a crowd at that spot. Like I said, the frustration isn't always rational, but I figure it out later. I made the decision last night to not go. I didn't want to put myself in that position of feeling overwhelmed by the crowd. Even though I am still shaking a lot, I had less crying yesterday (really only at the memorial) and just didn't want to put myself in a position that may cause it again. Part of me wanted to go and prove i could do it, but I decided it wasn't worth it right at this time.
I got a beautiful message last night about how someone just found my blog and how it was very helpful in helping her deal with someone close to her dealing with the PTS. That is why I write. I write for myself and for those close to me, but I also write hoping it will help someone. It felt good to know that it helps even one person.
All in all, yesterday was full of emotion from the memorial to walking through Back Bay, visiting our friend at Marathon Sports and walking down Beacon past the house from the fire. But, we laughed along the way, pointed out and focused on the beauty around us and I even felt more peaceful.
I barely slept last night and was sad when I woke this morning at 4:30. I am still struggling with the marathon and whether or not I should attend. This will be a struggle until that day. I don't think there is a right answer or an answer I can know for sure will be better for me. I got out of the house for a while early so I could try and break the crying and overthinking what I will do that day. It helped. And while I was sitting at Zume's, I got a nice message from Carlos's wife Melida asking if I was at Boylston because she wanted to give me a hug. She knew I had a rough few days this week and it was very sweet for her to reach out That's the thing about all of the beautiful people I've met. They understand and know sometimes all you need is a hug or an ear. Sometimes you need someone to just assure you it's going to be okay over time. I told her I felt it wasn't in my best interest but that I would be around at some things the next few days including the tribute, and would take her up not that hug when I saw her. Our new "family" is big on hugging and I like it.
So many beautiful people. People my story has helped. People who are feeling exactly the same way I am and in various ways and degrees. People who are standing by me knowing this storm will pass again. No. I may not ever be the same. But, I will be an even better person because of this and I have even more great people to continue along the journey through life.
Thank you as always,