Yesterday, early in the morning, I woke up at 4:30. Sleep is not my friend these days, as i've said before. I felt like I could sleep all day but also wide awake at the same time. I could feel how puffy my eyes were and my body felt both drained and full of energy. It's more like a nervous energy. I have this slight shaking every morning when I wake up which continues in varying degrees throughout the day. A song popped into my head. This tends to happen. I think of some lyrics from a song that explain what I'm feeling in a particular moment. These lyrics were by Sarah McLachlan,
I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standing on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard
Mediation has gotten a lot harder, but I continue to try at least once a day. Like I said yesterday, I find myself frustrated and it comes out in different ways. I know it's weird for people since i'm not usually like that. Going to the memorial on Friday reminded me how much love and good came out of what happened and I try to think of that when I go to the angry place, a very different feeling for the girl who is never angry. However, I'm mostly, I'm angry with myself and what my body and brain have been doing and angry at the fact that this ever happened. The other thing that gets me through it is my "marathon family" who I have come to love, so many people who I am not connected to. We gain strength from each other.
I felt I needed to get out of the city for a bit yesterday. While I felt i could lay on my couch all day, I wanted to get out. I took a drive to my uncle's house figuring i'd see the kids. It was good to get away. I chatted with my aunt and we laughed and talked about some different things, including what's going on with me. I ended up crying when talking about two things. The first was when I talked about how I try to remember that I'll be "me" again in time, though a different "me". However, I am reminded every single day of the differences. Every event or party I go to that I feel uncomfortable or have anxiety, every time someone is talking about the Bruins game last night and I no longer get enjoyment from watching, I am reminded of the different person i've been. I used to walk into a party or fundraiser and talk to everyone and feel at ease no matter what the crowd. I used to watch as many Bruins games as I could, even checking the app on my phone if I couldn't be watching. I've been assured I will find these things again over time and that if not, I will find new things, but it's hard and emotional to think I may never get all of it back. It's like in addition to grieving for those people I never met who lost their lives, the people who I've met (and who I haven't) that were affected in any way, I'm also grieving the loss of myself. I miss that woman who smiled constantly, who woke up thankful for everything life had given her each day, who loved to be in any social situation. I am still thankful, but it's not as easy.
The other thing I talked about again is the marathon. I have said this before, but that feeling that I've failed myself keeps coming back. I am talking to myself and knowing when I think rationally about it, that going that day wouldn't be in my best interests. As my aunt and I talked about, if it will put me in a difficult place again, it's not worth it. I know I don't have to prove anything to anyone else or to myself in that day. If I go and I have a complete breakdown which leads to difficult days ahead, the "well, I still went" won't matter. Still, it's hard. I really thought all year that I would be "strong enough" to go. I know many people going and feel if they are, why can't I? But, I can't compare myself to anyone else. I went about 8 months without the support of this "marathon community" that was formed while others had it. It has helped and I wonder if I had it the whole time, if things would feel a little better by now. I honestly am still holding out a glimmer of hope that I will be able to go that day, though I have made other plans to leave the city as well.
My aunt told me something her friend had mentioned to her just in talking about how the anniversary was coming. She said it must be hard for people affected to have the media frenzy over it all right now. It is. There are stories in your face constantly, reminders everywhere in the city of both the anniversary and the marathon. It's hard to escape from and every single story and visual or oral reminder is hard. It brings it all back. It makes it feel fresh, like it just happened. I try to avoid it, but it's hard to. I tend to click on stories, just like I've found many others have. It's like we can't stop ourselves. Sometimes I can. There are many I don't look at, many special segments on tv that I don't watch. I try to only watch the nice stories on people I know and their journey, but even those trigger it all, bring me back to that day, that week, and all of the pain of the last year.
I cannot wait for the lump in my throat, the shaking, and the random crying to stop. I have this hope that on the 22nd, I'll wake up and just breathe a sigh of relief. Either way, I'm going to take the ups and downs as they come for the next week. I'll pay extra attention to the happy moments when I laugh or find enjoyment or solace in something and hold onto those moments as long as I can when they come.
Thank you for reading.