I have definitely been tired, way more tired than I was last week and back to how I felt before, needing to sleep 8-9 hours a night plus take naps (1-1.5 hours) halfway through the day, literally can't keep your eyes open, head hurting need for sleep. This all has to do with some health issues that were caused by stress (obv extreme stress). This does not make getting back to work and life easy. It seems last week was just pure adrenaline. I think I took one nap in those 7 days and barely slept and yet, got through each day tired, but not exhausted. Amazing what that adrenaline and anxious energy can do.
I really hoped the anxiety and emotion would go away. On Tuesday, I tried going to the gym. I realized quickly how tired I was and went home to sleep (CRASHED for an hour and a half). When I woke up, I started crying. No idea why. I managed to get some work done before heading back into the city for yet another survivor event. The Aquarium was generous enough to open for us in the evening. We had the place to ourselves, which was pretty cool. I was both excited to go and hang with my friends yet also sort of "done" with all things marathon related. Even though this wasn't a marathon event, it has the undertone when it's only for those who were impacted that day. Once there, I felt sort of anxious, but not in my obvious shaking way. I just felt like I couldn't just stand still for too long or focus on conversations with people. I was also feeling completely drained. Afterwards, some of us went out to eat, which was fun. I love being with my ladies and laughing and chatting. Toward the end of the meal, the discussion turned to the trial. I could feel my chest tighten, the lump fill my throat, and my leg started to bounce. I picked up my dying phone (another source of anxiety since the bombings) and tried to focus on instagram and anything to distract from hearing the conversation. I don't like to draw attention to it and I would rather not ask people to stop talking about something just for me. Sometimes I can handle hearing about it, but Tuesday, after the week of events and roller coaster of emotions, I definitely couldn't.
My friend noticed me shaking and my head down and said, "Nicole, do you want us to talk about something else?" and then she changed the subject. Another friend, when we went to the bathroom before leaving apologized for talking about it to which I replied, "It's fine. I don't want to make you stop talking about it."I think the most frustrating part of it all is that the shaking was DONE. Until March 15, I hadn't had any shaking since November. Even in March, it happened a few times but not much and not intense. That all changed on April 15. Then, the anxiety attack being the first I've had since November as well…frustrating. It almost feels like a step back, but I'm trying to remind myself that it's not. It's just a lot of energy around everything that's been happening.
Today I had a newborn shoot which was a good distraction. I then went into the city to buy some things I had forgotten to get when I was at Marathon Sports on Monday. I parked on Dartmouth Street and walked along taking some pictures with my camera and some with my phone.
But, then, I went on Facebook. I saw a link to an article and clicked, against my better judgement. It was the sketch on the link that got me. I knew it was Leo, a 3 year old boy. The 3 year old boy that I remembered being carried by a cop. The only thing I remembered for the first week after the bombings. I just recently, finally, after 2 years of wondering, found out more about Leo and his family. His dad had lost his leg (Remember, there's people who you've never heard of, not just the ones you see in the news all of the time. These people have stayed more private. They include not only amputees, but many others injured, both physically and emotionally). When I first was told about them, I was both relieved to finally know and emotional. So, I clicked on the link. It was some bits of testimony from the trial today. I started to cry. HARD. I couldn't stop and then spent the next hour crying on and off, while trying to distract myself with other things. But, the tears kept coming and not just lightly. I thought about how it's been two years. It seems like an eternity yet like no time has passed and sometimes it just seems like it was some awful nightmare. I cried this evening for all of the people who were injured, for those who died, and for those who have had to deal in any way with the mental and emotional toll and for myself.
I realized this evening, that as much as I thought I had no interest in the outcome of the sentencing, that I do. I want whatever makes this go away. I don't want to open Facebook or turn on the TV and see this constantly in my face. I don't want to relive any of it any more than I already have to in my own head or through talking about it with others. I don't want to read about or see people having to break down on the stand reliving the awful things they went through that day. I want them to be able to move on and not have to go over it. I want to move on but not have to avoid all things that may have the story on it. That's a frustrating way to live. And some days, I don't have the willpower to not look at an article or video. So, I want them to put him in a cell, locked away by himself and I never want to hear about him again. As I said in a post back in March, I never learnt their names. I never wanted them to have any attention or power over me or that day. I wanted to forget them and move on. That won't happen with the death penalty. They will appeal over and over again, keeping him alive and in our faces. I know I can deal with it if I need to, but I don't want to. We have enough to deal with. We have anniversaries and reminders throughout the rest of the year. I have moments of emotion or anxiety triggered by my body remembering that day, even if my mind feels safe. I don't need extra reminders.
So, that is what I want. I thought that as long as he wasn't set free, I'd be happy, but not anymore. I just want this part of it to end.
My plan now is to keep pushing on with work, with trying to continue healing my body and spending time with people who make me happy. I know the anxiety and emotion will fade more and I will do what I need to help that, including getting more energy clearing work with Shawna. If it made the anxiety go away before, it certainly can again. I am hopeful and looking forward to a fun and beautiful summer spending time with friends and family, old and new and creating many happy memories.
The morning of April 15, 2013, I found a quote and it has stuck with me since, especially considering that I found it that day. (Again, I do NOT believe in coincidences.)