Okay. So, here we are. The trial circus starts. Starting this week, we will be subjected to countless news reports on TV, social media, etc. This awful day will be in our faces again for months. It will have an impact on everyone. Everyone who was there, everyone who was going to be there or knew someone there, everyone who lives in or is from our great city and felt some sort of impact that day, and even those who have never even been to Boston. I feel it's a time to make my feelings on this happening known and also give some advice to everyone on being mindful who you talk to or around about it.
My hope is to avoid it as much as possible. I feel that putting myself back in a place of triggers and possible anxiety is not conducive to healing. I've worked very hard to get to this place of peace and my belief is that the way to move forward from that day is to continue living a great and happy life and not dwelling on it. To ME, it does not matter what happens in the trial. It will never change anything that happened. I truly believe closure and peace comes from within, not from the outcome of something outside of ourselves. Of course, I will want the outcome to involve this person not being back out in society, but I do not think that will happen, so none of it matters to me. Many people know that I never really paid attention to it. Like, I literally still do not know all the details from that day or that week. I never needed to know their names because I never wanted to give them that recognition or power over me. Also add in that i'm dealing with a serious medical issue caused by stress, I do NOT need any stress as I'm trying to heal.
I will give this advice to everyone. Please remember as the trial starts that many people are still healing from that day, some have barely just started to deal with and face it, even now, 21 months later (holy shit, 21 months). Be careful what you post and what you say and pay attention to who is around you when you discuss it. Everyone heals differently and most people who were directly affected that day will not want to talk about it. They will be triggered with anxiety and emotion by it simple happening and talking about it or hearing about it will only amplify that. So, please respect that as much as you can. I know, that's not always possible and emotions will run high at many times. Just know that as much emotion (anger, frustration, sadness) that you feel, there may be someone around you that you know or don't know who is feeling it that much more. Imagine literally being put right back to that day after so much time trying to move on.
Love and Peace to my "marathon peeps" and to everyone who will be following and being affected by everything that is about to unfold. "May you find strength to face tomorrow in the love that surrounds you today."
So, that is it. I'm doing my best to avoid it and have been successful so far. The news of an attack in France today does make me sad that there is so much anger, hate, and terrorism in our world. But, luckily it did not trigger things like it used to, even a little over a month ago. I attribute this to my energy healing which I spoke of before. I worry about all of the people I know who will put themselves back in the craziness of the trial and the media. I think there is a feeling that this will bring closure, but I do wonder if that is possible. For me, it would not be. I have found closure to this, as best I can. I will never be able to "close" or "resolve" what happened that day. I will never understand what drives someone to do such an awful thing. But what I can understand is that I will never accept that people are born evil and I can only believe that it comes from trauma, anger and hate being passed down through generations and brainwashing, so instead, I choose to love and do good. I will continue moving forward and while that day stays with me, it stays in a slightly different way now. I look at everything that has happened since, the amazing people I've met, the determination and strength of people along the way, the support and love sent, and my own healing journey. I see it all as LIFE. Life gives you challenges and tests your will and it's up to you how you come out of it. I believe every person who was there that day, that has been healing has an opportunity now. We all have an opportunity to grow, make the world a better place, and become our absolute best selves out of this.
Now, to my health. As I said before and posted in this BLOG POST, (it's good to read that before this) I have been dealing with a digestive problem for months, caused by extreme stress. Everyone always assumes that when you say "digestive issue" that you're "in the bathroom". Nope. Not the case. I don't have gross symptoms. It's more like allergic reactions. I mentioned in the last post that I was starting a new diet that will hopefully heal me. Recap: I have a major imbalance of good/bad bacteria with bad overtaking my system. The best way to replenish bad bacteria in your system is through food. However, food is seen as an enemy by the body when it has this issue, so it's a little tricky. There are so many foods in our lives that are detrimental to our bodies over time. But, basic foods, foods our ancestors ate (think cavemen, almost like paleo) are what our bodies are made to digest and handle well. These are the foods that can "heal and seal" the gut and digestive system. So, first, I had to go shopping and spend a small fortune on food, supplies, and supplements.
So, because of this, I can't travel too far. I can't go to any place where I can't either prepare my own food or bring foods with me. Therefore, I am going to have to either cancel or shorten my Europe trip to a week or so. This is a big disappointment since i've been planning a month long trip for about 6-7 months. I also have to postpone my trip to meet my grandparents for the first time ever. This, too is a disappointment. However, I've come to terms with it. I would rather go on both trips when I feel great and don't have to worry about anything.
Another thing I'd like to talk about is that I've had quite a few people say "at least you don't look sick" and a couple who say, "well, you can't be that sick. You've been out and about."
First, I don't "look sick" and i'm happy about that. But, I also think it's part of the way I handle it. Every other thing in my life is great and I reached a point of real happiness and am finally anxiety free, so I can't let this keep me down. I will still have a smile on my face. There are times when that's difficult and I feel worse, but I still try to stay positive. I have my most difficult moments with pain and the reactions I get later in the day (after eating a few times, it sort of builds up) and sometimes overnight and the morning. I also plan things for when I know I won't feel as bad or plan my trying to eat around when I have to be somewhere. Last week, I had a few places to go at night, so I mostly fasted all day so that I would feel okay.
So, I may seem okay or I may be out doing things. It doesn't mean I don't feel crappy inside. I just choose not to let this consume my life. I think your attitude when you face any complication, but especially a health concern is crucial. If you "let" yourself feel "sick", you will feel worse. If you pull yourself up and keep going, letting yourself have time to rest and heal in between, it's better for you overall. I think it's hard to understand when a person doesn't "look sick". But, I'm not like most people. I'm not taking this and making it who I am right now. It's happening. It's frustrating, especially since i've come so far since the bombings and now, am still dealing with the effects, only now, physically. However, it's all part of the process. I will heal and I will be stronger and healthier than I've ever been. I plan to come out of this altering how I take care of myself. I was always concerned with eating right and doing things to stay healthy and letting myself also enjoy things like dinners out with people. I will go back to that, but will have a new view on what exactly I should not go back to eating, like most grains. I will pay closer attention to everything I put in my body. So, this is a blessing in the end. It is another part of my journey. It's another lesson and I hope my sharing it helps others to learn.
I hope sharing this journey is informative and helps people understand what not only stress, but foods can do to your body. I hope for health and happiness for all of you.