Wow. Weird day. As we know, I haven't paid much attention to the trial at all. I didn't think I'd watch the verdict. I figured I wouldn't care because I knew there would be no way he'd walk free. Well, when my friend called to tell me it had come in, I turned on the news. I went online and saw that everyone was posting about it. It was as if you could feel the entire city sitting on edge, everyone holding their breathe. We can say we knew what was going to happen, I mean, how could it not be guilty on all counts? But, it needed to be heard. Texts started coming in from others watching. It was a comfort to "watch it" with survivors.
As I waited, I felt nauseas and emotional. As they started saying "guilty" I was happy to hear it. I never thought I'd care but I did. I guess there was a part of me that probably had a worry that it wouldn't for some reason (though not logically since I knew he would be found guilty). Did it all bring relief? No. Just as I've said before. I knew he was guilty and that he'd be found guilty. It still doesn't change anything. Knowing he won't be able to hurt anyone else makes me happy and also knowing it may bring some sort of relief to anyone who lost a loved one or who was injured that day. It brings justice for the loss of Martin, Krystle, Lingzi, and Sean as well as those injured and impacted. But, it doesn't take that day away or all of the Hell people have gone through because of it. It also doesn't change all of the beautiful things that came out of it, which I would absolutely not change. So, now, I just feel weird. Okay, but weird. A little emotional, but I can't really describe the other feelings I have. It's crazy how easily the rawness of it all can come back. As for sentencing, I do not in any way care. I'm not "an eye for an eye" person in any way. As long as he's not free, I don't care what happens. If anything, I think the death penalty will actually bother me as it just goes against everything I feel and believe. That may seem weird to people, but it's honest and it's what I feel. But, I know the outcome of the next phase will bring something to others so I hope, no matter what, it's a fast process and is helpful to those who need it. My love goes out to all who attended the trial, who will attend the trial, those who lost loved ones, those who lost limbs, those who had any sort of injury, visible or invisible, the first responders who rushed in, whether they were on the job or not, and those who just jumped in to help people without having any formal training to do so. Humanity was evident that day. Today, was significant for all of those people plus all of Boston.
As I waited, I felt nauseas and emotional. As they started saying "guilty" I was happy to hear it. I never thought I'd care but I did. I guess there was a part of me that probably had a worry that it wouldn't for some reason (though not logically since I knew he would be found guilty). Did it all bring relief? No. Just as I've said before. I knew he was guilty and that he'd be found guilty. It still doesn't change anything. Knowing he won't be able to hurt anyone else makes me happy and also knowing it may bring some sort of relief to anyone who lost a loved one or who was injured that day. It brings justice for the loss of Martin, Krystle, Lingzi, and Sean as well as those injured and impacted. But, it doesn't take that day away or all of the Hell people have gone through because of it. It also doesn't change all of the beautiful things that came out of it, which I would absolutely not change. So, now, I just feel weird. Okay, but weird. A little emotional, but I can't really describe the other feelings I have. It's crazy how easily the rawness of it all can come back. As for sentencing, I do not in any way care. I'm not "an eye for an eye" person in any way. As long as he's not free, I don't care what happens. If anything, I think the death penalty will actually bother me as it just goes against everything I feel and believe. That may seem weird to people, but it's honest and it's what I feel. But, I know the outcome of the next phase will bring something to others so I hope, no matter what, it's a fast process and is helpful to those who need it. My love goes out to all who attended the trial, who will attend the trial, those who lost loved ones, those who lost limbs, those who had any sort of injury, visible or invisible, the first responders who rushed in, whether they were on the job or not, and those who just jumped in to help people without having any formal training to do so. Humanity was evident that day. Today, was significant for all of those people plus all of Boston.
Reading everyone's posts about how great they feel is sort of weird to me. I think I should feel better than I do. (relief in a way maybe?) I have felt great in general, as far as anxiety and things go. Physically, I've felt like complete shit. For almost two weeks, I've been so exhausted, I need to sleep for multiple hours a day, especially if I had anywhere to go at night. For three days, I've been mostly in bed, so unbelievably tired. It may be related to what I'm dealing with already (For anyone who doesn' know, I have holes in my gut caused by stress from last year and have been sick for 7 months now with a long road of healing ahead using a special diet and supplements). But, I don't know if it's definitely related since it's so intense and worse than it was. And all tests I've had so far have come back normal. But, it's getting harder to function in daily life. I am behind on work and trying to constantly catch up and still have a social life and stay doing positive things.
But, even feeling like this, I've been happy. I've had my moments. I'm still having random (or not so random) emotional breakdowns, but not often or many. The leg shaking has not stayed, but has happened about a handful of times. I haven't become obsessed with the trial or been over thinking it. But, there have been times when it's been a little more on my mind. I've spent some time with some of the beautiful friends that came out of that awful day. We had dinner last week and actually talked about it a lot. It's weird to know people and still not know their "story" from that day. We shared, we talked about our feelings, reactions, actions in those first moments. We talked about a lot of things. Talking actually led me to find out info about people I didn't know. Like my kid carried by a cop. My memory basically just completely erased just a couple of hours after the bombings. I did tell people things that I didn't remember at all later. The only thing I remembered was a cop carrying a small child. I've wondered since that day what happened to him and his family. I got answers last week. As I listen to others and talk about it, I get a lump in my throat and tears fill the back of my eyes, but I tend to hold that in until I'm alone. But, it was also a relief to know things I've wanted answers to for two years. And, it's always easier to talk about it all with others who were there. We had another fun night out on Monday at a fundraiser for the Brittany Loring Fund. Brittany was injured in the bombings and set up a fund to help others affected by traumatic events, another example of the beauty that came out of that day, survivors paying it forward. The event was great and it was nice to just laugh and chat and as I've done this, realize that is 100% what I need at this point. I don't need a support group. I may need to talk about it as we did last week, but in a laid back, social setting. I need to laugh with these amazing, beautiful people I've come to call family. I also find that feeling sick, I'm extremely picky about who I'm dedicating some time to right now, but it is definitely the right people.
I did get a little obsessive in the last week. I have always had this need to see myself in videos or pictures. I guess in a way it would make it more real and less of a nightmare. That even sounds weird to write considering it is VERY REAL and has been for two years. I also hope it would help fill in gaps to my memory since there are still many and I also hope it would clarify memories I do have. A lot of it is still foggy from walking back down the street through the rest of the week. It's still very hard to have so many missing pieces. Who knows if I'll ever have them. I try not to over think it. But, at times, it does get obsessive. I did spend almost 2 hours throughout yesterday searching pictures and videos and quite honestly, bawling my eyes out while doing it. It's still raw. Seeing something I saw that day and hearing sounds from it bring it back, and gives you the feelings inside as if it's happening at that moment. Luckily, I am still able to stop myself and direct my attention to something else, which is a good thing.
I'm hearing a lot of the word, "closure". I've sort of always hated that word. I have never felt that it fully exists. I think we move on, we heal, but to have closure, to have a traumatic experience be "resolved"? I don't know. To be resolved means to have a solution or be fixed. To me, nothing will "fix" that day. So, I definitely believe more in moving on, finding the good, and learning to live with a new normal than having closure. This new normal, for most, will be amazing. As the quote I added in the my last post said,
"Time is tricky. You have months, even years when nothing changes a speck. When you don't go anywhere or do anything or think one new thought. And then you can get hit with a day, or an hour, or a half a second when so much happens, it's almost like you got born all over again into some brand new person you for damn sure never expected to meet." (E.R. Frank)
That's how I feel and I know others do too. What happened that day changed so many people. Some discovered themselves, some found their purpose in life, and others found new people, new jobs, new lives, and love. I used to get mad at the "new normal" I kept being told about. I wanted my old self. Now, I wouldn't have it any other way. I've been through Hell and I'm standing, happy, (somewhat) healthy, and with so many beautiful things in my life that are directly or indirectly because of that one half a second. For that, how can I not be thankful?
I'm also thankful for the people I don't expect to send messages of love and support. Those who randomly check in with me to see how I am as this all unfolded, those who have even sent little gifts or messages, those who remember that these things still affect me. They're always the people that I least expect and it means the world to me.
I look forward to continue working to feel better physically and enjoying life and all it has to offer. I am not sure what I'm doing for the anniversary beyond attending a breakfast and event after. I want to just enjoy the day and do positive things with friends, so whatever that ends up looking like, we'll figure out. I don't want it to feel heavy like last year. I've felt that long enough and still do at times. We will always carry that day with us. We will always reflect on it and have emotion around it. We will always feel it a little more on every April 15 and every marathon monday. The verdict, the second anniversary, none of it will mean it's "over" or that we're "past it". That day is extremely significant to everyone affected and people will remember it and deal with it in their own ways for the rest of their lives, getting easier every year. I now don't worry about that. I accept it. I don't want to forget it, especially since it brought so much good and happiness into my life, even I had to go through the struggle and pain of it. I used to worry I would have an anxiety attack every time I heard a loud noise or was stuck in a crowd and that it would never stop. But, it did. I still have reactions to these things but nothing like it was.
The chances of being involved in a terrorist attack are less than those of a car accident or even being struck by lightning. I never thought I'd be able to say I am a part of that statistic. But, it happened. I figure, anything after this is a piece of cake, right?
So, for all of Boston, today was a victory. It showed the world that terror doesn't win. It helped some find some relief and justice. It helped us be sure that this kid who chose to hurt people will never have that chance again. What it showed me, through the few messages and calls I received from people, and the people I connected with as the verdict came in, is that togetherness, kind words, and support can get you through anything. And, more important, love wins. Always. LOVE WINS.
XO
Nicole
I look forward to continue working to feel better physically and enjoying life and all it has to offer. I am not sure what I'm doing for the anniversary beyond attending a breakfast and event after. I want to just enjoy the day and do positive things with friends, so whatever that ends up looking like, we'll figure out. I don't want it to feel heavy like last year. I've felt that long enough and still do at times. We will always carry that day with us. We will always reflect on it and have emotion around it. We will always feel it a little more on every April 15 and every marathon monday. The verdict, the second anniversary, none of it will mean it's "over" or that we're "past it". That day is extremely significant to everyone affected and people will remember it and deal with it in their own ways for the rest of their lives, getting easier every year. I now don't worry about that. I accept it. I don't want to forget it, especially since it brought so much good and happiness into my life, even I had to go through the struggle and pain of it. I used to worry I would have an anxiety attack every time I heard a loud noise or was stuck in a crowd and that it would never stop. But, it did. I still have reactions to these things but nothing like it was.
The chances of being involved in a terrorist attack are less than those of a car accident or even being struck by lightning. I never thought I'd be able to say I am a part of that statistic. But, it happened. I figure, anything after this is a piece of cake, right?
So, for all of Boston, today was a victory. It showed the world that terror doesn't win. It helped some find some relief and justice. It helped us be sure that this kid who chose to hurt people will never have that chance again. What it showed me, through the few messages and calls I received from people, and the people I connected with as the verdict came in, is that togetherness, kind words, and support can get you through anything. And, more important, love wins. Always. LOVE WINS.
XO
Nicole
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