I'll give a quick update on how I am doing in this moment before I get to more specifics of an amazingly healing experience I had recently. Over the last 8 months, I have really found my peace again. I feel even better emotionally and mentally than I even did before April 15, 2013. I've reached a whole new level of awareness with myself, life in general, and everything I want from this life. For the first time in my life, I truly feel all things happen for a reason (something I've always believed but couldn't always accept). I look at the people I've gotten closer with, the people I've lost, the people I've met and established connections with and experiences i've had over the last 20 months and even over my life and I realize they were all leading me to this very moment. There are situations in my life right now that are challenging this belief but I do truly believe that even the difficult and confusing things are leading to something great. It's hard some days to let that just happen as we all, as humans want to know how things will turn out and want everything to be a certain way. However, I finally feel that everything will work out. I look at life and people with a new view of "it is what it is". I accept the important people in my life as being what they are and trying not to have expectations of who they should be or what I want them to be. If we truly love all those people, we should love them for exactly who they are. If we don't, we should consider changing our relationships with them. I accept myself for who I am. I've worked hard to be the person I am today. I have always had this drive to be what my grandparents would be proud of, simply just because they were generous, did so much for others, and I had a very strong bond with them both, even if it was only a few years with my grandfather. His legacy has lived on and every time someone talks of all the good he did, I think of how I want to be that. I believe that they would be very proud of the person I've become and continue to evolve to be. And if that person I am can help, inspire, and give love to everyone, I'm living my life exactly as I feel everyone should.
As most people know, especially if you are close to me or have read this blog along the way, that from the day of the bombings on, I had anxiety that presented itself most prominently with my leg shaking. It was like a bouncing that I know a lot of people actually do for different reasons, but it wasn't something I'd ever had happen. Many times, especially when talking about ANYTHING related to the marathon and the bombings and/or when something such as a noise, a crowd, a siren triggered it, it would bounce intensely, like a jackhammer. It sort of became my thing. People got used to it. Sometimes people tried to stop it but the people who were around me most, just knew to let it be. I always said I let it happen because I felt it was something "working it's way out"…like, all that negativity from that day was just trying to get out of my body and if I stopped the shaking, it would just build up in my chest.
The shaking came back when I was in Florida last month. It was triggered by the shooting in Charlestown, another act of violence on a street I always felt safe. I was in a couple of situations where there were multiple triggers. In between, I found my leg shaking just slightly many times while away and for the week after I came back. I felt emotional about what was happening and found it making me think back to the events of last year.
My friend, Shawna, is an amazing healer. She does energy work as well as other kinds of alternative therapies and services. She told me about a new healing she was doing called Life Activation and wanted to do it for me. I am always up for energy healing as I have had great experiences with it and believe in the power energy has over every area of our health and well being. Last Saturday was the day. The process takes 60-90 minutes.
As she started, I was seated with my eyes closed. I could feel where she was. If you have never had energy work or reiki, sometimes the healer's hands are on you and sometimes just near your body, but you feel it. Some people feel it as a warm sensation, and I feel it as a sort of tingling in my muscles in the area being worked on. About half way through, I was standing up, eyes closed. I started to feel my breath was becoming shallow. I began to try taking deeper breathes and wondered if I should stop her. Something told me this was supposed to be happening. I started to feel a slight shaking in my legs and then the tightness in my chest and throat increased. It was as if something was closing in on me and my legs began to violently shake so I had to sit down. This was similar to an intense anxiety attack but also very different than the ones I've had. I can't really explain it, but I knew it wasn't just an anxiety attack. Plus, there was no reason at all that I would be having an anxiety attack at that moment. Shawna continued to do her work as my whole body shook. Suddenly, everything stopped. My body was calm and my breathing was normal instantly and I felt tired but amazing. She explained her side of what was happening and said she felt this intense negative energy coming out of me and then suddenly was gone. She asked me how I felt and I told her I felt great. I said I felt like the weight that had been living in my chest was lifted. She finished the rest of the healing and I went along with my day.
Over the next few days, I felt amazing and lighter than I had in almost 20 months. On Tuesday, I had a marathon related meeting. These meetings are about helping people affected and finding ways to do so. They are filled with subjects that are triggering and at the last one, my leg shook intensely for the full 2.5 hours of the meeting. For the entire time from April 15, 2013 through that day, my leg shook ANY time I talked about the bombings or anything remotely related. As I sat down in the meeting, I felt good. About half an hour in, I realized my body was completely calm. I looked down at my legs and was shocked at how still they were. The conversation got intense while talking about the trial coming up and other hot button issues. Still, not the tiniest bit of shaking. I got through the entire 2.5 hours with almost no sign of anxiety, except this small bit in my chest at a few points. I couldn't believe it and those who had been with me for many of these moments were surprised as well. For the first time in almost TWENTY months, I did not shake and have awful anxiety while talking about this subject. I do believe that all of the intense negative and evil energy (no, I don't mean like an evil spirit, just energy) that day made it's way into all of us in some way. Now, i'm even more certain of it.
It's also amazing how I've felt about life and things in general. It's like I've reached a new level of happiness and acceptance. I feel calm and hopeful about everything that is sure to be coming. I've felt an unsettled feeling for a while like something is going to change. This feeling hasn't been a negative feeling but rather a positive one. I feel I don't know where my business is going, but that a shift is coming, I feel I don't know where I even want to be physically and that a move may be coming, but unsure of where or what that is. I feel like there are just positive changes coming in every area of my life. I can't really explain it all, but it all feels good and full of hope.
I'm hoping I can also help others to feel this way or at least direct them to ways they can start working toward it. I am still involved with the new resiliency center set up for those affected in any way by the bombings. I'm blessed to have my photos used on their website and hung in the center. I've always said I wanted my work to help in some way since photography is my passion and a part of what helped me heal and that is happening. My work with others and trying to help those still struggling or just starting the process (yes, there are people who, 20 months later are JUST STARTING to deal with it).
My last thought is about the trial coming up. My hope is to avoid it as much as possible. I feel that putting myself back in a place of triggers and possible anxiety is not conducive to healing. I've worked very hard to get to this place and my belief is that the way to move forward from that day is to continue living a great and happy life and not dwelling on it. To me, it does not matter what happens in that trial. It will never change anything that happened. I truly believe closure and peace comes from within, not from the outcome of something outside of ourselves. Of course, I will want the outcome to involve this person not being back out in society, but I do not think that will happen, so none of it matters to me. Many people know that I never really paid attention to it. I never needed to know their names because I never wanted to give them that recognition or power over me.
I will give this advice to everyone. Please remember as the trial starts that many people are still healing from that day. Be careful what you post and what you say and pay attention to who is around you when you discuss it. Everyone heals differently and most people who were directly affected that day will not want to talk about it. They will be triggered with anxiety and emotion by it simple happening and talking about it or hearing about it will only amplify that. So, please respect that as much as you can.
That's all for now! Everyone should consider getting energy healing at some point just to experience it. It can be a very powerful tool in letting go of anything you've been holding onto that messes with your true happiness.
As always, thanks for reading.